Double Crazy Cow

Today has been a double crazy cow day. Let's just start off by saying that Melissa needs to be medicated. Seriously. Sometimes, I wish I could slip into the local pub and slosh down a few. Ever felt that way? In the words of my very practical sis-in-law "oh, what's the matter?" I tell you what the matter is. My kids don't need sleep to function. I need sleep to function. This is a problem. How can a child of 4 wake up at the butt-crack of dawn, run all day, drive everyone in her family bonkers ALL DAY, not have a nap EVER, and still be alive and well at 11:00 PM? How is this possible? How can an eight year old child with health problems, late nights, middle of the night itching fits and school,dance,violin,homework,Christmas shopping,playing-with-friend-filled days, still insist that she "can't possibly sleep" at 11:15 PM? I had a decent-night-sleep, didn't-do-much, ate-chocolate-all-day kind of day and I am exhausted. Why? Is this what they mean about God having a sense of humor? I think so my friends. By 11 o'clock tonight, I literally thought about doling out several tablespoons of Benadryl to the offending parties, tying each one to their respective beds and then beating them about the head area to induce slumber!!! OK, I'm not that violent, but the Benadryl thing did cross my mind. Happily, they are now tucked safely in their beds, were they are protected from double Crazy Cow. Anyhoo -
I thought of a funny incident today while I was once again Christmas shopping (will it ever end?) Last Saturday, Mike and I decided to Christmas shop for the kids "big" present(s). Of course we ended up at Toys-R-Us (practically the last place you want to be on Dec 13). Mike dropped me off and went to park to the car. First of all, there were oodles and I mean oodles of frantic parents and grandparents in line to purchase their crap. It was somewhat disconcerting. I thought, "Why the hel...I mean heck are we doing this?" So, I set my course for the back of the store,where the "big" presents are. This is were I told Mike to meet me. I was quite determined to get this whole thing over with, so I didn't pay much attention to my surroundings. However, one item caught my eye. This item could be the answer to a lot of troubling things about my life. This item could quite possible be the answer to a prayer. This item was so stupendous that I think I actually stopped breathing for a moment (or that could have been due to the general farty smell of that particular area of the store). This item was none other than a life size, talking (in two languages), non-fart smelling DORA DOLL. Yes folks, you read correctly. This doll was 1) about two inches taller and 20 pounds heavier than Autumn, 2)was modestly dressed with beautiful flowing hair 3) was bi-lingual, 4) spoke only when you squeezed her hand and 5) had poseable limbs. WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR IN A TOY?? Nothing, nothing and nothing. This doll would have solved the following issues in my life...1) Insta-friend for Autumn. No more endless rounds of Barbie play-acting for me. 2) She would teach my child in two languages, thus , quite possibly hurtling her toward 1st grade way before her time, thus, once again saving me from Barbie/Bratz land. 3) she would be a great example to Autumn, ie: always dress modestly (no waltzing around in the undies), keep your hair tidy and groomed (not in a three day old pony/horse/pig tail), speak only when someone squeezes your hand, and lastly, stand perfectly still with arms at your sides at all time. HURRAH! Long story short, I did not immediately purchase this uber-toy. My list of Pros about this purchase was long and satisfying. There was just one con. This doll could be used against me!!! Remind me to tell you some day about the Life Size Black Nutcracker Barbie that Grandma Wood purchased for Lizzy one Christmas. Quick Synopsis: Lizzy did not play with the doll. My little bro Joel, my son and my loving husband did. They loved to place this doll anywhere and everywhere in different poses, so as to scare me and make me pee my pants. The most memorable of which was when I came upon it standing at the top the stairs in the middle of the night with arms outstretched like some sort of other-wordly creature. I did have to change my shorts after that one. Anyway, this scenario played out in my mind in less than three seconds. I somewhat woefully passed the doll up, hoping that Mike would not discover it. As fate would have it, when he finally did find me amongst the throngs in the motorized vehicle section of the store, he triumphantly lifted the DORA DOLL over his head and proclaimed, "I HAVE FOUND THE PRESENT!!" Needless to say, I quickly subdued his victorious cry with "Not a snowballs chance in hel...I mean heck." That dang doll would most likely send Melissa into premature Cardiac Arrest. The Holidays would definitely be ruined if that happened, so we bought Autumn a motorized car instead. Hey, it's getting late, need to sleep before crazy crack-smoking children arise!!! Love to all!!