Autumn the Artist

This is a picture that Autumn drew tonight. The image on the far right (the large personage) is "Josh naked". :) Just thought it was funny, had to share. Autumn is 5 - what an artist and what an imagination! BTW - the large purple dot in the middle of the torso is his belly button and yes, you guessed it-josh has boobs (oh, sorry, "breasts"). I myself haven't seen Josh naked since he was about six, so I have no idea if this an accurate depiction. I don't think Autumn knows either. Is this a weird post? Is it bordering on inappropriate? Is this one of those things I should keep in the family or shove in a box to pull out in twenty years? Sorry if this grosses any one out.

The Pros and Cons of 40

I know that most, if not all, of you are tired of me whining about my age. Sorry about it. I can't help it really. I am totally freaking out coconut head! (something my nephew says). So, I decided to compile a list of pros and cons, hoping that maybe some good would come of it and bring me some closure to the subject. Let me share....

Cons

1. - Being forty sucks - DUH!
2. - Can't do a cartwheel.
3. - Don't get ID'd when I buy beer anymore (for the bread!!!)
4. - Still think like a seventeen year old - but really shouldn't act like a seventeen year old.
5. - Inappropriate to think Zac Efron is hot - I am two DECADES older than he is.
6. - Have to start using "AGE DEFYING" beauty products.
7. - Gotta start gettin' mammograms and colonoscopies - YIKES!! (family history you know)
8. - Fifteen more years until I can join AARP. I don't really want a senior discount, thanks.
9. - Too old to wear leggings (you wouldn't want to see that anyway.)
10.-Can no longer tease my brothers about being old. We are now in the same decade.


There are soooooo many more, but these are the things that stuck out to me.

Pros

1. - I Am Wiser (right?)
2. - Getting close to the age when I can say "I'm old and I'm coming back!" (refer to Jerry Seinfeld)
3. - Starting to forget stuff and people just say "Oh, she's gettin' old. That's OK"
4. - Getting closer to the time that I can buy all my clothes straight from the Coldwater Creek catalog and get away with it.
5. - Now have an excuse as to why I get so tired when skiing, surfing, walking up stairs and in general exerting myself.
6. - Don't have to pretend to be able to hear you; can officially get a hearing aid.
7. - This much closer to MUMU's!!!
8. - Can start going to bed at like 6pm!!! Although - this means I will be waking up at like, 4am.


Looks like the CONS have it folks. I guess 40 really is just a number though. It's not like I can stop it. Anyway...

New Year's Greetings

Happy New year!!!!! Okay - I know it's already January 21, but I am always behind the eight ball! You know that! So, over Winter Break, Grandma and Grandpa Wood took us on a little adventure. We cruised the Western Caribbean on board one of the Carnival Fun Ships. We went to Grand Cayman, Honduras, Belize and Cozumel! We had a great time and with the exception of Mike's stomach, we all loved every minute.

Nothing like a giant sombrero and a good shaved ice....

Or a tiny sombrero and a couple of dolphins!! We know how to bust it!

Carley with one of her own kind in Honduras!

These Scarlet Macaws where amazing! They were just flying around in the forest like they were sparrows or something.

The guide warned us not to wear or hold anything that we didn't want to lose! This little guy really wanted my earrings. He chewed on one for a bit and the trainer had to pull him off me! I forgave the little monkey because he was adorable!

Don't you think he could pick up a lot of chicks (excuse the pun) with one of these on his shoulder? Stud + parrot = CHICK MAGNET! Especially with the muscle tee.

This is my little piratess! She went to a pirate party on the boat and the black make-up just wouldn't come off! Oh well, she is still pretty cute.

LIZZY WANTS ONE!!!!!

Autumn loved this little guy! It took awhile to convince her to hold it, but she got brave and did it!

Stud + Green Sea Turtle = Green Studtle!!!!

This was the kids favorite activity. We went to the Turtle Farm in Grand Cayman. They raise Green Sea Turtles for FOOD!!! EEWWW! According to our guide, turtle is like chicken or hamburger. The Grand Caymians eat it on a daily basis. In order to preserve the wild population, these guys raise turtles to sell for mass consumption. They are just too cute to eat!!

This is what Hell looks like apparently...didn't think it would be filled with my cute family!!

scary santa

Just a quick note...is the Santa peeking over the side of this page a little scary? I didn't realize when I downloaded. Sorry if anyone gets spooked. Looks like Santa needs a good dentist. Whatever happened to that little elf on Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer that wanted to be a dentist? Can't he hook Santa up with a new grill? Or, is he still on the Island of Misfit Toys? HMMMM......a dollar to anyone who can come up with the name of that elf/dentist.

dollar store

I have two words for you - DOLLAR STORE. I forgot how much I love the dollar store. I can buy whatever I want at the dollar store, including a pregnancy test. However, I must pose the question: "How reliable is a one dollar pregnancy test?" Anyone out there ever used one? Just curious. Also, one dollar lingerie? You have to dig, but you will find it. I noticed a pair of blue and purple polka-dotted thong underwear (because it was hanging out of the bin of underwear, near the pantyhose! Sickos!) I guess a dollar is about as much as one should have to spend on such an article. Lastly, who wants to spend a small fortune on a wedding? For about twenty bucks, you can have it all: (except for perhaps the dress) Party favors, dinnerware, veils, bouquets, etc... Just one aisle over and you can buy your wedding night attire as well. It's a one stop shopping experience. I love it. ANYWAY...

ps - in case the self-proclaimed God of Grammar reads this - SUE ME!!!

Nighttime Shenanigans

I know this sounds "R" rated, but trust me it couldn't be further. So, you are probably all aware of my sometimes crazy nights. It has only intensified by the graduation of two of the children into teendom, one of whom gets crazy scared if he even looks at Tanner Johnson (the self-proclaimed king-of-the-neighborhood spook meister), the other of whom, let's call her "Marley" to protect her privacy, likes to wake me up to sign her French homework at midnight at least once a week, and who likes to believe that there is nothing wrong with a fourteen year old staying out till midnight on the weekends.
Anyway, so the last few weeks have been going well, with the occasional midnight snacking by he and a few visits by the headache mogul (otherwise known as Erin). So last night, I left Mike in charge of doling out the nightly medications, which I am now almost positive that he did not because of the following... at about 1:30 am, I am awakened by a very loud and persistent five year old desiring a leg rub down (which she doesn't need when she gets her meds). I get up, walk in and plonk down next to her and start rubbing. I rub until I feel like she is asleep, then go to have a handful of M&M's before returning to bed. She almost immediately senses my absence and starts yammering about wanting a drink. So , I go to the kitchen and start rooting through the cupboards to find and cup and she yells from her room "NOT A SMALL SIPPY CUP!!! A BIG ONE! (how did she know?) AND I DON'T WANT WATER OR CHOCOLATE MILK OR PINK JUICE! I WANT AN ORANGE JUICE WITH SPRITE MIXED IN, IN A LARGE SIPPY CUP WITH NO LID AND A BENDY STRAW!!!!" Whoa! Who the "H" does she think I am? A freaking COCKTAIL WAITRESS!?! She is ordering a freaking Mimosa from her bed at two o'clock in the morning! OK, I am not sure what goes into a Mimosa, but it does have something to do with orange juice. So, I bring her water in a small sippy cup with a lid. She freaks. "I WANTED A BIG CUP WITH ORANGE JUICE AND SPRITE!!" Meanwhile, Mike is laying in his comfy bed mumbling something about "Autumn, please be quiet, everyone is sleeping, do you want to come and lay by Daddy? Daddy will rub your back! Come on in and stop crying....blah, blah, blah" There is no way she can hear him because she is crying so loud, that only I can hear him and I can hear him because this is his typical behavior when it comes to Autumns nighttime shenanigans. I ask you, when will this end? When will Melissa get a good night's sleep? More importantly, when all the kids are gone, and Mike and I have separate sleeping arrangements, will I miss this? Will I ever be able to sleep for an entire night? I don't know. I don't think I want to know. Anyway, you see the problem. So, Mike is persuasive from the comfort of his warm bed, and she decides she wants to "snuggle with Daddy in his bed", which means " I want to sleep with my feet in Mommy's face all night long, and not even touch Daddy's side of the bed." So, she comes in and of course, Mike is back to sleep in like three seconds and she proceeds to make herself comfortable which means that I "sleep" with one foot on the floor no blankets to speak of.
Now, you might ask yourself, "Why doesn't she just make Mike get up and take care of it? OR "Why doesn't she just shut Autumn's door and let her cry it out?" The answer is of course that I am a push-over of the worst kind. I didn't want to bug Mike because he works so hard and he was getting up at 4AM to go hunting with his Dad. I didn't want Autumn to keep crying because, I can't stand it when my kids cry, so I will do whatever it takes. The sad thing about all of this is that I don't do it from the goodness of my heart. I do it so that the boat doesn't get rocked too much. I piss myself off. Anyway, hope you enjoyed my little tale of woe. I sure there will be more to come.

My New Favorite Words

Obagoogie - translation "oh my goodness"; origin: my one year old niece Zoey.
Little Zoey started a great new phrase as far as I am concerned. She doesn't say it much anymore, but her mother and I do. Even my children have caught on. So, whenever you see a cute baby, or a new toy, or are playing with tissue paper or tags, you need to say "obagoogie."

Scrumtrulescent -adj; translation "that is truly awesome/yummy/out-of-this-world etc...origin: Will Ferrell on SNL. My interpretation "This cookie is scrumtrulescent." I'm not really sure what context Mr. Ferrell used it in, I just thought it was a super great new word.

Fece - noun; Translation: short for "feces", or "crap" or the other really bad swear; origin: Chase Driggs. Okay,this is not my favorite word, but, it does get used an awful lot in my home by at least two of my kids. I told Chase I was going to punch him in the face for teaching my kids this little goody, however and alas, I have started using it.

Scumbaggery - noun; translation: really amoral behavior; origin; my little brother Joel. He uses this word in a sentence such as "I am tired of his outright and reprehensible scumbaggery."

So, try to use one of these words in a sentence today. It might make you or someone you love, smile.