please hit me over the head with a blunt instrument

Is the title too harsh? I don't want to die, just be in a coma for 24 more hours. Is that wrong? "Having your children home for five weeks during the middle of winter" is the official Websters definition of the "Seventh Circle of Hell". I literally went in to survival mode today. Half of the day was spent sequestered in my room trying to conjure up mental pictures of a happy place. I also forbade my kids to speak to me, or look at me or be near me in any way. I have finally lost it. If I hear the phrase "that is MINE!" one more time, I shall get in my car and drive to Tooele. Now, if that isn't desperation, what is? Ok, I truly and unconditionally love my kids, but this is just ridiculous. The high point of my day was when the dentist had his instruments of torture in their mouths. I smiled happily and mindlessly watched the tropical fish swim in the aquarium while they squirmed and wiggled and got poked and scraped. What is wrong with me? I am never requesting "A" track again. Is any of this even making sense? Am I babbling? Please let this day end!!!!!! I know, waaah waaah waaaah. Just had to get that off my chest! So how are you? Are any of you fairing any better, and if so, what is your secret? I don't want my children to be afraid to go off track. Please help......

what dreams may come

I recently read my friends blog recounting a dream she had had . Something about polygamist midgets. Now, I'm not sure if this was a real dream or a reference to some inside joke, but it got me to thinking. I am somewhat renowned (at least in my own mind) for the weirdness factor of my dreams. My dreams are so far out that, about ten years ago, Mike asked me to please stop recounting them to him so that we could go on with life with some semblance of normalcy. It is a touchy subject. However, I have made no such promised to you all...sorry. Maybe this is the perfect outlet. Maybe there is a Joseph out there somewhere that can interpret? So last night's dream...

First of all, Mike has left me (hence the aforementioned moratorium request) all alone with 5 children to raise.

Second; our ward has split, but only a select few homes on Midas Ridge. I am now in a random ward four cities away which also includes my parents and some other weird people.

Third; the first Sunday in the new ward, we walk, through the snow, through a high-rise office building that is being gutted out, with my new male chaperone (not companion, chaperone) & my five kids, three of whom are not wearing coats or shoes and have brought boxed lunches to church (which is actually eerily similar to the Stake Center I attended to in Chicago as a child.)

Fourth; in an attempt to spice up sacrament meeting, the Bishop has turned the chapel into an exact replica of a circus tent, complete with pomp and circumstance, performers, animals and Brother VanNoy as the Ringmaster dressed in a yellow and orange tuxedo singing something about a banana (anyone see Americam Idol this week?)

Fifth; there are chickens and ducks flying about, some sort of feline stalking the pews and Brother VanNoy leaping from pew to pew, announcing "Please prepare for the sacrament, come one, come all ! Please prepare for the sacrament!"

Sixth; my chaperone, five kids, parents, two sisters-in-law and assorted others members are in the cheap seats in back (which are on risers) blissfully eating our PB&J's while watching the excitement.

Seventh; Suddenly we are the beach next to the gutted out high-rise, but the beach is closed to public access because some corporation is having an event. The security for this event are all east Indians. End of dream.

Weird? Psycho? Abnormal? Or did I just swallow to much Nyquil on Saturday night? You be the judge.

Ben Button is hot, teenagers are snot and 4 year olds are caught.

Let's address first things first. I know that this blog is supposed to be about the Wood Family. Who's kidding who, right? It's really just Melissa whining and complaining and commenting on her own thoughts and feelings with a little bit of family trivia thrown in for good measure. (Makes me seem more motherly). Now that we have that established, let me just say BRAD PITT IS SO HOT!!!! I don't know why I never really saw it before. Well, he did look pretty cute in Thelma and Louise...Obviously, I went to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, rated PG 131/2. This is not a movie I would send any of my kids to, just so you know. So, I am watching this movie with some friends. About half-way through,when Ben Button is at his hottest, one of the friends looks at me and says "Damn that Angeline Jolie" I said "Amen to that". So not fair. Does she really deserve him? I mean, come on, she has multiple tattoos. Isn't that some sort of indication of the kind of person she is? I bet she doesn't even really like all those kids of hers. They are probably just for show. And, I bet she totally rides roughshod over Brad , like 24/7. Man... Okay, you all know that I am just kidding and I am just messing around about Ang and Brad. I guess I'm just trying to say that Brad is very handsome. Glad to get that off my chest.

Secondly - who invented teenagers? I know that I have complained multiple times about them and that I have been banned from "dissin'" them on this blog, but HELP! I am going out of my mind. They drive me crazy!

Thirdly - Autumn got caught with one of my non-shredded garments tops! As some of you may know, she likes the feel of the garment top, specifically the lace around the arm holes. She often times will have a cut-up one in her possession. Kind of like a blanket would be to a normal child. It is a comfort to her. (Am I saying too much?) Anyway, so that I don't end up in h-e-double hockey sticks, I cut up some of the older, non-useable ones for her to cuddle with at night. Well, the other day, we stopped at the bank of gumball machines in the mall. She insisted on a pink gumball, and was ready to fight if she didn't get one. She of course, had her blue denim purse and her pink Dora sunglasses, because that's what you need at the mall. Anyway, she said she had a "penny" to get some gum with in the bottom of her purse. When I went to help her open it, to my utter dismay, she had a full on, non-cut-up "g" top in her purse, along with a Disney Princess cell phone (complete with cover), chap-stick, nail polish, assorted small action figures, a naked Bratz doll and some marshmallows. Needless to say, she was caught red-handed with the goods. What do you do in this situation? I had to laugh. She looked up at me through those rose-colored Dora the Explorer sunglasses with a pleading look in her eyes, and I just couldn't be mad. Perhaps I should move my collection of the aforementioned articles of clothing to a location out of her reach! Hmmmm....that would require me to have a project. I'll think about it.

Have you ever noticed that I don't say too much about Erin and Elizabeth? I really don't mention them very much. Probably because, as of right now, they are behaving really well. Of course, there are the occasional outbursts and fights, but they really don't bug me or frustrate me or cause me any kind of grief. At least not out-of-the-ordinary kind of grief. I am sure that I can find something to complain about in the future. Well, have a great week! I hope your New Year is going well! See ya...

P.S. I really do love all of my kids dearly.
P.P.S I really do think I could love Brad Pitt!