A Walk in the Woods

Autumn the Artist

2010-02-24T19:56:00.000-08:00

This is a picture that Autumn drew tonight. The image on the far right (the large personage) is "Josh naked". :) Just thought it was funny, had to share. Autumn is 5 - what an artist and what an imagination! BTW - the large purple dot in the middle of the torso is his belly button and yes, you guessed it-josh has boobs (oh, sorry, "breasts"). I myself haven't seen Josh naked since he was about six, so I have no idea if this an accurate depiction. I don't think Autumn knows either. Is this a weird post? Is it bordering on inappropriate? Is this one of those things I should keep in the family or shove in a box to pull out in twenty years? Sorry if this grosses any one out.

The Pros and Cons of 40

2010-02-23T21:21:00.000-08:00

I know that most, if not all, of you are tired of me whining about my age. Sorry about it. I can't help it really. I am totally freaking out coconut head! (something my nephew says). So, I decided to compile a list of pros and cons, hoping that maybe some good would come of it and bring me some closure to the subject. Let me share....

Cons

1. - Being forty sucks - DUH!
2. - Can't do a cartwheel.
3. - Don't get ID'd when I buy beer anymore (for the bread!!!)
4. - Still think like a seventeen year old - but really shouldn't act like a seventeen year old.
5. - Inappropriate to think Zac Efron is hot - I am two DECADES older than he is.
6. - Have to start using "AGE DEFYING" beauty products.
7. - Gotta start gettin' mammograms and colonoscopies - YIKES!! (family history you know)
8. - Fifteen more years until I can join AARP. I don't really want a senior discount, thanks.
9. - Too old to wear leggings (you wouldn't want to see that anyway.)
10.-Can no longer tease my brothers about being old. We are now in the same decade.

There are soooooo many more, but these are the things that stuck out to me.

Pros

1. - I Am Wiser (right?)
2. - Getting close to the age when I can say "I'm old and I'm coming back!" (refer to Jerry Seinfeld)
3. - Starting to forget stuff and people just say "Oh, she's gettin' old. That's OK"
4. - Getting closer to the time that I can buy all my clothes straight from the Coldwater Creek catalog and get away with it.
5. - Now have an excuse as to why I get so tired when skiing, surfing, walking up stairs and in general exerting myself.
6. - Don't have to pretend to be able to hear you; can officially get a hearing aid.
7. - This much closer to MUMU's!!!
8. - Can start going to bed at like 6pm!!! Although - this means I will be waking up at like, 4am.

Looks like the CONS have it folks. I guess 40 really is just a number though. It's not like I can stop it. Anyway...

New Year's Greetings

2010-01-21T08:13:00.000-08:00

Happy New year!!!!! Okay - I know it's already January 21, but I am always behind the eight ball! You know that! So, over Winter Break, Grandma and Grandpa Wood took us on a little adventure. We cruised the Western Caribbean on board one of the Carnival Fun Ships. We went to Grand Cayman, Honduras, Belize and Cozumel! We had a great time and with the exception of Mike's stomach, we all loved every minute.

Nothing like a giant sombrero and a good shaved ice....

Or a tiny sombrero and a couple of dolphins!! We know how to bust it!

Carley with one of her own kind in Honduras!

These Scarlet Macaws where amazing! They were just flying around in the forest like they were sparrows or something.

The guide warned us not to wear or hold anything that we didn't want to lose! This little guy really wanted my earrings. He chewed on one for a bit and the trainer had to pull him off me! I forgave the little monkey because he was adorable!

Don't you think he could pick up a lot of chicks (excuse the pun) with one of these on his shoulder? Stud + parrot = CHICK MAGNET! Especially with the muscle tee.

This is my little piratess! She went to a pirate party on the boat and the black make-up just wouldn't come off! Oh well, she is still pretty cute.

LIZZY WANTS ONE!!!!!

Autumn loved this little guy! It took awhile to convince her to hold it, but she got brave and did it!

Stud + Green Sea Turtle = Green Studtle!!!!

This was the kids favorite activity. We went to the Turtle Farm in Grand Cayman. They raise Green Sea Turtles for FOOD!!! EEWWW! According to our guide, turtle is like chicken or hamburger. The Grand Caymians eat it on a daily basis. In order to preserve the wild population, these guys raise turtles to sell for mass consumption. They are just too cute to eat!!

This is what Hell looks like apparently...didn't think it would be filled with my cute family!!

scary santa

2009-12-12T19:40:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note...is the Santa peeking over the side of this page a little scary? I didn't realize when I downloaded. Sorry if anyone gets spooked. Looks like Santa needs a good dentist. Whatever happened to that little elf on Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer that wanted to be a dentist? Can't he hook Santa up with a new grill? Or, is he still on the Island of Misfit Toys? HMMMM......a dollar to anyone who can come up with the name of that elf/dentist.

dollar store

2009-12-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

I have two words for you - DOLLAR STORE. I forgot how much I love the dollar store. I can buy whatever I want at the dollar store, including a pregnancy test. However, I must pose the question: "How reliable is a one dollar pregnancy test?" Anyone out there ever used one? Just curious. Also, one dollar lingerie? You have to dig, but you will find it. I noticed a pair of blue and purple polka-dotted thong underwear (because it was hanging out of the bin of underwear, near the pantyhose! Sickos!) I guess a dollar is about as much as one should have to spend on such an article. Lastly, who wants to spend a small fortune on a wedding? For about twenty bucks, you can have it all: (except for perhaps the dress) Party favors, dinnerware, veils, bouquets, etc... Just one aisle over and you can buy your wedding night attire as well. It's a one stop shopping experience. I love it. ANYWAY...

ps - in case the self-proclaimed God of Grammar reads this - SUE ME!!!

Nighttime Shenanigans

2009-11-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

I know this sounds "R" rated, but trust me it couldn't be further. So, you are probably all aware of my sometimes crazy nights. It has only intensified by the graduation of two of the children into teendom, one of whom gets crazy scared if he even looks at Tanner Johnson (the self-proclaimed king-of-the-neighborhood spook meister), the other of whom, let's call her "Marley" to protect her privacy, likes to wake me up to sign her French homework at midnight at least once a week, and who likes to believe that there is nothing wrong with a fourteen year old staying out till midnight on the weekends.
Anyway, so the last few weeks have been going well, with the occasional midnight snacking by he and a few visits by the headache mogul (otherwise known as Erin). So last night, I left Mike in charge of doling out the nightly medications, which I am now almost positive that he did not because of the following... at about 1:30 am, I am awakened by a very loud and persistent five year old desiring a leg rub down (which she doesn't need when she gets her meds). I get up, walk in and plonk down next to her and start rubbing. I rub until I feel like she is asleep, then go to have a handful of M&M's before returning to bed. She almost immediately senses my absence and starts yammering about wanting a drink. So , I go to the kitchen and start rooting through the cupboards to find and cup and she yells from her room "NOT A SMALL SIPPY CUP!!! A BIG ONE! (how did she know?) AND I DON'T WANT WATER OR CHOCOLATE MILK OR PINK JUICE! I WANT AN ORANGE JUICE WITH SPRITE MIXED IN, IN A LARGE SIPPY CUP WITH NO LID AND A BENDY STRAW!!!!" Whoa! Who the "H" does she think I am? A freaking COCKTAIL WAITRESS!?! She is ordering a freaking Mimosa from her bed at two o'clock in the morning! OK, I am not sure what goes into a Mimosa, but it does have something to do with orange juice. So, I bring her water in a small sippy cup with a lid. She freaks. "I WANTED A BIG CUP WITH ORANGE JUICE AND SPRITE!!" Meanwhile, Mike is laying in his comfy bed mumbling something about "Autumn, please be quiet, everyone is sleeping, do you want to come and lay by Daddy? Daddy will rub your back! Come on in and stop crying....blah, blah, blah" There is no way she can hear him because she is crying so loud, that only I can hear him and I can hear him because this is his typical behavior when it comes to Autumns nighttime shenanigans. I ask you, when will this end? When will Melissa get a good night's sleep? More importantly, when all the kids are gone, and Mike and I have separate sleeping arrangements, will I miss this? Will I ever be able to sleep for an entire night? I don't know. I don't think I want to know. Anyway, you see the problem. So, Mike is persuasive from the comfort of his warm bed, and she decides she wants to "snuggle with Daddy in his bed", which means " I want to sleep with my feet in Mommy's face all night long, and not even touch Daddy's side of the bed." So, she comes in and of course, Mike is back to sleep in like three seconds and she proceeds to make herself comfortable which means that I "sleep" with one foot on the floor no blankets to speak of.
Now, you might ask yourself, "Why doesn't she just make Mike get up and take care of it? OR "Why doesn't she just shut Autumn's door and let her cry it out?" The answer is of course that I am a push-over of the worst kind. I didn't want to bug Mike because he works so hard and he was getting up at 4AM to go hunting with his Dad. I didn't want Autumn to keep crying because, I can't stand it when my kids cry, so I will do whatever it takes. The sad thing about all of this is that I don't do it from the goodness of my heart. I do it so that the boat doesn't get rocked too much. I piss myself off. Anyway, hope you enjoyed my little tale of woe. I sure there will be more to come.

My New Favorite Words

2009-10-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

Obagoogie - translation "oh my goodness"; origin: my one year old niece Zoey.
Little Zoey started a great new phrase as far as I am concerned. She doesn't say it much anymore, but her mother and I do. Even my children have caught on. So, whenever you see a cute baby, or a new toy, or are playing with tissue paper or tags, you need to say "obagoogie."

Scrumtrulescent -adj; translation "that is truly awesome/yummy/out-of-this-world etc...origin: Will Ferrell on SNL. My interpretation "This cookie is scrumtrulescent." I'm not really sure what context Mr. Ferrell used it in, I just thought it was a super great new word.

Fece - noun; Translation: short for "feces", or "crap" or the other really bad swear; origin: Chase Driggs. Okay,this is not my favorite word, but, it does get used an awful lot in my home by at least two of my kids. I told Chase I was going to punch him in the face for teaching my kids this little goody, however and alas, I have started using it.

Scumbaggery - noun; translation: really amoral behavior; origin; my little brother Joel. He uses this word in a sentence such as "I am tired of his outright and reprehensible scumbaggery."

So, try to use one of these words in a sentence today. It might make you or someone you love, smile.

sleep is over-rated, I hate birds and cell phones are evil

2009-06-30T04:29:00.000-07:00

Am I right? Does anyone out there over the age of eighteen get more than 5 hours a night? I can't seem to . I have taken to the habit of playing Mah Johng (sp?) in the wee hours of the am. I am actually pretty coherent at 3:30 am. Anyway, if, by some miracle, I am asleep at 3:30 am, by approximately 4:30 am, I am awakened by nature. No, not my bladder calling, rather, the call of the wild. No, not that wild...I am talking about the five zillion feathered friends perched in the overgrowth in the creek outside my window. What in the world are they so happy about? It's 4 o'clock in the morning for pete's sake! Plus, how does a bird poop on a house window? Does the bird have Spiderman-like talents? Can it aim? I don't get it. Anyway, birds are for the birds. Lastly - I hate cell phones. They are the most evil invention yet. Do I really need to be available 24 hours a day? Huh? Do I need to talk on the phone while I am sitting on the toilet? I'll let you answer that question. Am I dead just because I can't be reached? No- I am not dead, nothing is amiss, I just don't want to talk to anyone. Don't take it personally...K I'm done

Semi-public apology

2009-06-26T19:36:00.001-07:00

Sorry if I offended anyone with my comment on Michael Jackson. I just feel like the media hypes these things up so much that it is almost intolerable. Of course, I feel for his family and friends, but, come on...Farrah Fawcet died too, and that was barely a blip on the radar. I liked Farrah tons better. I believe I even tried to emulate her hairstyle back in the day. I never tried to emulate Michael Jacksons hairstyle, and that means something to me. Anyway - sorry about being flippant about it, I really do have feelings.

Zoning

2009-06-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

What's up with the Facebook thing? I am so confused. So - if I make a comment on anything it gets posted for anyone to read? I don't think I like it. I am a very private and shy person. I don't want people to know stuff...okay, that may be a fib. Anyway - anyone may feel free to teach me. I don't get it.

So, what have the Wood's been up to you ask? Well, so far this summer, we have done nothing. I can't even keep my house clean! Don't ask me to do any "activities" on top of doing nothing. I just cannot do it! I have been trying to do the "zone" cleaning thing with the kids. What a joke. First of all, they all want zone 3 (the easiest one), secondly, they complain that it is unfair when they don't get zone 3 (even though we draw out of a hat), thirdly, I usually have AT LEAST four strapping young teenage boys in zone 3, so it is never clean anyway. I'm not sure I am going about this the right way...suggestions are welcome. Of course, I eventually just do all the zones because I get tired of the "zone complaints". OR, I get yelled at because my zone isn't done. My zone doesn't get done because I am getting the other zones done. Also - I am running around the town getting this and that for the 5 little royals at home. How did I get into this mess? The kids think that summer means eating out for lunch every day, ice cream runs three times a week and at least one snow cone run per week. I am totally going broke. They have also seen at least four movies just this week. If you add that all up, I am going to need a part-time job. Anyone hiring? Moving on.....

This may seem really, really harsh and judgemental, but...Is anyone out there really going to miss Michael Jackson? Sorry, that was mean. Anyway... have a good week.

I am not dead or missing...

2009-06-17T18:19:00.000-07:00

Hey friends and family - it has been awhile. Sorry...nothing happy to say. Nothing unhappy to say either, just didn't want this to turn into a whiny blog, know what I mean? Our family has been Having lots of fun lately. St. George, boating, dance, swimming, four-wheeling, etc... Busy as ever. It is definitely true that the older they get, the busier you are. I think I spend about 1/2 of my day in the car, transporting kids. The other 1/2 trying to keep my house from becoming a dump. I have been trying to de-junk my office (thank you Lauren). It's a slow process, but I am hanging in there. I have also given up sugar and caffeine (except on those headache days.) Maybe that's why I have had nothing positive to say? Are all the skinny people out there just grumpy all the time? Maybe...I might not ever find out, but I am giving it the old college try (even though I am not in college) Anyway - here are some pics of the last few months. Enjoy!

These are the things we talk about in our home...

2009-03-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

So, the other day, I took Josh and Erin to the library to get a couple of books. By the way, the library is awesome. I could spend hours and hours there. Anyhoo- I picked up a book called "The Agony and The Ecstasy" by Irving Stone. I was perusing it when Josh came over and snatched it out of my grasp to look at the front cover. On the cover is a depiction of the painting on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel showing Adam? (I'm not sure) touching the finger of God. All in all, a wonderful piece of art and probably, one of the most famous works of Michelangelo. So, Josh is looking at it and points to Adam's? "package" and says indignantly "Man, look how small they painted his wiener! They could at least have painted him with some dignity!" Of course, I fell to the ground laughing and Josh just walked away shaking his head. He always manages to say the funniest thing in the most inappropriate place. I believe he does this to test me. If I ever get the privilege of seeing the ceiling up close and personal, I may not be able to contain the giggles. We have since had a couple of discussions about that painting and wondering whether the smallness of the anatomy holds any kind of symbolism? Just something to think about.

Another funny thing with Josh. The other night he was up late trying to complete a bunch of missing assignments-why he can't just do them and turn them in on time is beyond me-and he was trying to think of something to write about in his writing journal. So, we started talking about it when a commercial for the Twilight DVD came on. Naturally, we started discussing Twilight and, mind you, the hour was late. I thought that maybe Josh could write about and discuss what someone would have to smell like in order for him to want to take a bite of him/her. We discussed, and decided that someone would have to smell and taste like a Cinnabon. What on earth is better than a Cinnabon? When ever I walk into that airport, the Cinnabon stand calls to me and I cannot pass. I must have one, come what may. This whole, freesia, lavender, flowery smell thing is just not my bag. As a matter of fact, my Grandma Kimball used to take me to the Lion House for my birthday. She always, always got some lavender flavored candies. She loved them. I choked them down just to be polite. They were yuuuuucky. So, Cinnabon it is. Anyway, these are the kinds of things we talk about in our family. Do you talk about anything weird? I'd love to know if we are the only freaks out there.

Bragging...

2009-03-22T18:56:00.000-07:00

Just thought I would post some pictures. The first few are from our cruise A YEAR AGO. I am just now figuring out how to post stuff. The rest are from this year. Have fun looking. It's kind of scary how many pictures we have in which both Mike and I are wearing helmets.
What is it that Seinfeld says about that? I can't remember, but it's pretty funny. Anyway, sometime I will put all of the pictures of us (with helmets on) in one post.
He later got turned into a belt and a handbag.

Who let the residents out of the local mental institution?

Again with the helmets. Scary.

These two little pills wanted a snow storm inside, so they broke up a piece of styrofoam packing material and spread it around. They also decided to do snow angels. Very funny and kind of cute, but I have been vacuuming up snow for two weeks!!

Josh, Mike, Savanna, Lizzy and Erin at Brighton.

Josh being cool.

Er-Bear skiing at Brighton. She thinks she so awesome! So do I.

This is Lizzy trying to "steer" as she skis.

Thank Heaven for Girl Scouts

2009-03-12T11:25:00.000-07:00

I have a good friend who likes to compose "Odes" to sutff on her blog. In tribute to her and to Girl Scouts around the world and in the neighborhood, I shall try my hand at the Ode. My debut in entitled "Ode to a Girl Scout Cookie". Please excuse my lack of form, I am not totally sure of the structure of an Ode, but I my world, it can be anything I want. Here goes:

"Ode to a Girl Scout Cookie"

Oh blessed Girl Scout,
selling your wares.
Cookies to to eat,
to make us look like pears.

"One box?" she asks,
With a shy, impish grin.
"How about mint?"
They're really so thin.

One look at the Scout
with hers eyes full of pleading
I fold with a sigh
"It's a CASE I'll be needing."

Months after the sale,
I've forgotten the treats.
My life is so full,
Yet, not truly complete.

A knock at the door,
A bustle, a holler!
"Mom, a Girls Scout is here!"
She needs 42 dollars!

That much? I wonder,
Then shrug and smile.
Cookies are worth it,
and these will last for awhile.

Three days later
I feel like a heel.
ONE Box is left,
I've had a one for each MEAL.

I hide the last box,
shamefaced and chubby.
I must save a dozen,
or so for my hubby.

I contemplate my days
of GSC bliss,
and wonder if there is
anything funner than this.

To eat Samoa's
all Golden and Crunchy,
to savor a Thin Mint..
there's nothing so munchy!

Today I will limit
the amount I will eat.
Three and that's all,
Then one falls at my feet.

"Crap!" I snort, and think,
"Now it's just two"
"Oh, who cares?" I decide.
What else can I do?

I retrieve the cookie
Off of the floor,
Stuff it into my face,
but now I want more!

Three cookies are not
enough to satisfy me.
Just two more,
I promise, no more than three.

So, now I am sitting
writing my verse,
When a small hand I know
pats my middle, like a nurse.

"Mommy, I really wish
your tummy wasn't so big."
I wish your were small,
Not fat like a pig."

The mouths of babes,
so honest and true.
I laugh and dissemble
No need to feel blue.

It was fun while it lasted.
No sense in regret.
Next time, I'll get TWO cases!
On that you can bet.

So what do you think? Am I a budding Robert Frost or Elizabeth Barret Browning? I think not, but it was fun to have to think for a minute. Thanks to Linda, for the inspiration.

I am a crazy nut.

2009-03-03T18:09:00.001-08:00

Today was one of those teenager moment, mom-you-are-a-nut-job kind of days. I have been warning my Junior High students that they would indeed get theri phones taken away if, by the end of LAST week, all of their grades were better than "C's". Of course, I gave in and gave them until this Friday. Well, today I got the low-down on the grades. Let's just say that one of my teen age types thinks that "F" stands for fantastic. So, needless to say, I held my hand out for the phone. I got the now perfunctory eye-roll and murderous glare after which said teenager stomped down to his/her room to retrieve the phone. Here's where I lost it. The phone loser just could not understand why I was sooo upset about the "F". After all, he/she will certainly bring it up to at least a "C" by the end of the quarter. I have been drilling it into all the concerned children that a "C" isn't the kind of grade that will get you anywhere. From day one, the kids knew how important grades were to us and to their freedom to enjoy the good life (which by the way, we are denying them because they don't have Face Book or My Space accounts, or e-mails or access to illegal stimulants). They (the teens) tell me every day that we are the strictest parents on the planet and that we should just "chillax" on all the rules. Are we wrong to expect our smarter than ordinary kids to strive for something better than average? I don't understand the lack of concern for one's own welfare. I'll tell you this much, I am not supporting them when they can't get a job better than taking tokens at the parking booth at the airport. I will just roll my eyes and say "I told you that you should have gotten good grades!!!" Okay, I am a crazy nut job for wanting my kids to succeed. Weird. Thanks for letting me vent.

I don't wanna grow up!

2009-02-27T16:38:00.000-08:00

Are you an adult yet? I am starting to wonder when the adult thing actually happens. I guess technically, you are considered an "adult" when you turn 18. I have heard the brain doesn't actually fully mature until around age 25. Scary thought - I had two kids by then. I am wondering about this because I have seemingly remained a mental adolescent. Last night, I ran over to Target to pick up a prescription. I had Josh and his friend Konner with me. We had some time to kill, so we started walking around looking at the stuff at Target. Josh and Konner thought it would be super fun to bounce the big beach balls around in Target while we browsed. I was sort of embarrassed, but more amused by their behavior. We sat in the garden furniture section, shooting the breeze and playing with the beach balls. Then we strolled over to the glass and breakables section to chat with some friends we ran into. While I was talking to the friends, I could hear Josh and Konner bouncing the balls through the aisles. Every once in a while, I would hear a thud or a crash or a crash and the inevitable hurried whisper and quiet laughter. I continued chatting, just sort of rolling my eyes, while the boys continued their shenanigans. After a couple more minutes I spotted a beach ball overhead and then a startling crash. Then, I heard the muted laughter and around the corner came a shame-faced Josh without his toy. Apparently, he and Konner were trying to bounce the balls high enough to land on top of the floor lamps that were on display on the top shelf of the aisle. I guess a target "security guard" caught them and confiscated the beach balls. Now, the disconcerting part of this story is that I found the whole thing quite hilarious. I laughed my guts out. What is wrong with this picture? The next thing I know, Konner is handing me a box of xtra large ultra ribbed condoms and asking in very loud voice if I would buy them for him. Josh was on the floor laughing and I wasn't far behind. I think I am appalled at my own self. I keep waiting for maturity to come, and I have realized that I am quite possibly less mature than I was ten years ago. For example; I still like a nice cold Big Gulp or cherry Slurpee, I love to listen to very loud music, I bought an issue of J-14 the other day and I have looked at it more than my kids (mostly because of Zac Efron), I still like to watch music videos, I sometimes don't really want to go to church, I would sleep in till noon every day if I could, I have read the Twilight series more than once and finally I have seen and enjoyed watching High School Musical 3 more than I care to admit. Also, I giggle with me kids when they do something not so appropriate in public venues. The only things that really have changed since those teenage days? I have gone from a size 4 to a much, much larger size, I am responsible for five or so other live human beings and instead of Coke, it's Diet Pepsi in my Double Big Gulp. The more things change, the more they stay the same, I guess.

And another thing.....

2009-02-26T15:17:00.000-08:00

Warning: Please read below before you read above. It won't make sense if you don't.

And another thing....this "guy" on the phone was telling me that my claim was "coded" with a mental health code and that my insurance doesn't cover mental health issues. WHAT?!? I am so screwed. No coverage for the crazies? No wonder so many of us are wandering around with swirling eyes, dirty shirts and matted hair. No one is paying for our "Mental Health" issues. BTW - the "claim" that was denied was the one that found us in the ER with Erin after she fainted and had a seizure. Mental health issue? I don't think so. OH-and guess what else? The Ambulance Ride was luckily covered at 90% because it was $1469.36. Oh, and I had better get that payment in ASAP (and the guy at the ambulance place said "aaaasap", didn't say A-S-A-P like normal people.) because it is past due now, eventhough I just got the bill. I wish I could run my family like this. Passive/aggressive business practices...hmmmm...wonder if I could write a book about it and make a zillion dollars. Then Erin could have all the "mental health" issues she wanted. "Hey, I don't feel like taking my spelling test this morning, I guess I'll have a little fainting spell and maybe a small seizure. Nothing major, just a small problem" Sorry - I am just kind of bugged.

Manners...a thing of the past

2009-02-26T13:12:00.000-08:00

Where are people's manners these days? It seems like anything goes. I guess I am not the best one to preach about this particular subject, but a recent experience prompts me to be more aware of my behavior..... So, I am on the phone with this guy at the Select Med Claims Department. I called to ask about a claim that had not been paid and he went into his very complex and somewhat intimidating diatribe about deductibles and codes and stuff that really just goes over my head. Like I care anyway! Just pay the dang claim!!!! Anyway, after about 10 minutes of this one-way conversation, I'm thinking "Wow. Select Med has really got some intelligent and well versed people on staff. This guy really knows what he is doing!" Just then, the guy says "Excuse me, I HAVE GOT TO BURP" and then proceeds to belch, if not directly into the phone, then somewhere in the vicinity. Hey - doesn't this guy realize that THIS CALL IS BEING RECORDED FOR TRAINING PURPOSES!?! Is this what they are training people to do now? This infraction should at least entitle me to having my claim paid post-haste!!! All credibility went out the window. Come on, burping into the phone? Next thing you know, he will be saying something like, "Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth." or maybe "Wow, that was a stinky one." Now, like I said, I am not really one to talk about manners; I know how loud and obnoxious I can be, however, I would never (purposely) belch into someones ear on the phone (unless it was one of my brothers on the receiving end.)! Not to disparage my children at all, but the other thing that bugs me is the public flatulence so often demonstrated in my family. When did it become socially acceptable to fart in front of others? My children are actually quite proud of their accomplishments in the gas-passing arena. My son's favorite saying is "Everyone likes their own brand." Who is his mother? What has society come to? I am seriously disgusted.

random pics

2009-02-15T12:29:00.001-08:00

Just some random pics. I am trying to learn my camera, but it is a lot harder than it looks to take really good pictures. I wanted to show off my kiddos a little bit, too. Josh and Carley are going to complain bitterly about the lack of pictures of them when they are older. They will not let me take pictures of them! It's frustrating. Erin is starting to get camera shy now that she has her braces. I get lots and lots of pictures of Lizzy and Autumn. They are always jumping in front of the camera. Anyway, enjoy.

snow angel

This is my surprised face.

This is my sad face.

Crazy Kim and Carley

Happy New Year!!!!!

my little eskimo!

the hair - yikes

Aunt Emily and cousin Tyler (the menace)

Erin and cousin Savanna - bff's

Lizzy and cousin Colton - my personal favorite photography subjects

New Feature on the Blog

2009-02-11T21:49:00.001-08:00

I have included a new feature on this blog. I will be listing all the books I read and some that Mike or the kids read with our insight(s). I just wanted to keep track of the time I waste reading trash. Mike and the kids are much more discriminating. If anyone has any suggestions for reads that are not to deep, yet not too stupid, please feel free to suggest...And if anyone of you says "The Scriptures" I will have to kill you. Just kidding...those are daily (or sometimes weekly) thing.

two 1/2 weeks later....

2009-02-11T21:12:00.000-08:00

Finally - back into the routine of school. I'm truly sorry if I scared anyone with my last post. But, it was either rant and rave, or end up in maximum security at the point. Thankfully, there are those out there who commiserate. Thanks for all your support. Moving on....Guess what?!?! Mike and I were asked to be Ma and Pa Kettle for trek for our stake. Yikes! I will be suffering along with the Vaders and the Arnells, who are also going. I am already plotting some strategies as far as smuggling contraband and we have scoped out the situation with the children. Admittedly, I did squeeze some bi-ceps this last Sunday and made some mental notes as to who had really strong looking calves. The following is list of items I will be sewing into the lining of my dress - like anyone is going to question if I am following the rules:

1. my ipod
2. unisom tablets
3. toothpaste
4. heart rate monitor (I have to know how many calories I am expending)
5. feather bed (not quite sure how this will look, but am willing to give it a g0)

These are the things I cannot live without. I will even fore go bringing deodorant, if I can have my ipod. I don't think the Pioneers would even think to begrudge me my luxury items. After all, and ipod is so small...it can't weigh more than a few ounces. It's not like one little ipod will deter us from our journey. Mike would also like to smuggle, however his list is quite a lot shorter:

1. Duct tape

Do you know what can be done with duct tape? I believe someone wrote "10,000 uses for Duct Tape." They probably don't even know about the existence of Pioneer Trek! We could probably come up with at least a thousand more uses!! Maybe we will write a book at some point entitled "What You Can Do With a Roll of Duct Tape, One Hundred Feet of Rope, Four Blue Tarps, Ten Kids and the Great Outdoors" I know we would sell at least ten copies. Anyway...

Someone mentioned that we will be able to pick our family name for the trek. The person who said this had some sappy story about walking in the footsteps of this really awesome family/person and that this person was an inspiration, blah, blah, blah...I'm thinking we need to pick a name a bit more relevant to this day, to this generation, to inspire us all to continue on. The following is a list of my top five...I am taking comments and/or votes.

1. the Steelflex Family
2. the Diddy's
3. the Seacrest Family
4. the Jonas Family
5. the Palin Family

Suggestions will be considered.

Hope you are well and happy and that life is treating you well - if not, blog about it and get it off your chest. See ya!

please hit me over the head with a blunt instrument

2009-01-26T18:26:00.001-08:00

Is the title too harsh? I don't want to die, just be in a coma for 24 more hours. Is that wrong? "Having your children home for five weeks during the middle of winter" is the official Websters definition of the "Seventh Circle of Hell". I literally went in to survival mode today. Half of the day was spent sequestered in my room trying to conjure up mental pictures of a happy place. I also forbade my kids to speak to me, or look at me or be near me in any way. I have finally lost it. If I hear the phrase "that is MINE!" one more time, I shall get in my car and drive to Tooele. Now, if that isn't desperation, what is? Ok, I truly and unconditionally love my kids, but this is just ridiculous. The high point of my day was when the dentist had his instruments of torture in their mouths. I smiled happily and mindlessly watched the tropical fish swim in the aquarium while they squirmed and wiggled and got poked and scraped. What is wrong with me? I am never requesting "A" track again. Is any of this even making sense? Am I babbling? Please let this day end!!!!!! I know, waaah waaah waaaah. Just had to get that off my chest! So how are you? Are any of you fairing any better, and if so, what is your secret? I don't want my children to be afraid to go off track. Please help......

what dreams may come

2009-01-18T12:08:00.000-08:00

I recently read my friends blog recounting a dream she had had . Something about polygamist midgets. Now, I'm not sure if this was a real dream or a reference to some inside joke, but it got me to thinking. I am somewhat renowned (at least in my own mind) for the weirdness factor of my dreams. My dreams are so far out that, about ten years ago, Mike asked me to please stop recounting them to him so that we could go on with life with some semblance of normalcy. It is a touchy subject. However, I have made no such promised to you all...sorry. Maybe this is the perfect outlet. Maybe there is a Joseph out there somewhere that can interpret? So last night's dream...

First of all, Mike has left me (hence the aforementioned moratorium request) all alone with 5 children to raise.

Second; our ward has split, but only a select few homes on Midas Ridge. I am now in a random ward four cities away which also includes my parents and some other weird people.

Third; the first Sunday in the new ward, we walk, through the snow, through a high-rise office building that is being gutted out, with my new male chaperone (not companion, chaperone) & my five kids, three of whom are not wearing coats or shoes and have brought boxed lunches to church (which is actually eerily similar to the Stake Center I attended to in Chicago as a child.)

Fourth; in an attempt to spice up sacrament meeting, the Bishop has turned the chapel into an exact replica of a circus tent, complete with pomp and circumstance, performers, animals and Brother VanNoy as the Ringmaster dressed in a yellow and orange tuxedo singing something about a banana (anyone see Americam Idol this week?)

Fifth; there are chickens and ducks flying about, some sort of feline stalking the pews and Brother VanNoy leaping from pew to pew, announcing "Please prepare for the sacrament, come one, come all ! Please prepare for the sacrament!"

Sixth; my chaperone, five kids, parents, two sisters-in-law and assorted others members are in the cheap seats in back (which are on risers) blissfully eating our PB&J's while watching the excitement.

Seventh; Suddenly we are the beach next to the gutted out high-rise, but the beach is closed to public access because some corporation is having an event. The security for this event are all east Indians. End of dream.

Weird? Psycho? Abnormal? Or did I just swallow to much Nyquil on Saturday night? You be the judge.

Ben Button is hot, teenagers are snot and 4 year olds are caught.

2009-01-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

Let's address first things first. I know that this blog is supposed to be about the Wood Family. Who's kidding who, right? It's really just Melissa whining and complaining and commenting on her own thoughts and feelings with a little bit of family trivia thrown in for good measure. (Makes me seem more motherly). Now that we have that established, let me just say BRAD PITT IS SO HOT!!!! I don't know why I never really saw it before. Well, he did look pretty cute in Thelma and Louise...Obviously, I went to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, rated PG 131/2. This is not a movie I would send any of my kids to, just so you know. So, I am watching this movie with some friends. About half-way through,when Ben Button is at his hottest, one of the friends looks at me and says "Damn that Angeline Jolie" I said "Amen to that". So not fair. Does she really deserve him? I mean, come on, she has multiple tattoos. Isn't that some sort of indication of the kind of person she is? I bet she doesn't even really like all those kids of hers. They are probably just for show. And, I bet she totally rides roughshod over Brad , like 24/7. Man... Okay, you all know that I am just kidding and I am just messing around about Ang and Brad. I guess I'm just trying to say that Brad is very handsome. Glad to get that off my chest.

Secondly - who invented teenagers? I know that I have complained multiple times about them and that I have been banned from "dissin'" them on this blog, but HELP! I am going out of my mind. They drive me crazy!

Thirdly - Autumn got caught with one of my non-shredded garments tops! As some of you may know, she likes the feel of the garment top, specifically the lace around the arm holes. She often times will have a cut-up one in her possession. Kind of like a blanket would be to a normal child. It is a comfort to her. (Am I saying too much?) Anyway, so that I don't end up in h-e-double hockey sticks, I cut up some of the older, non-useable ones for her to cuddle with at night. Well, the other day, we stopped at the bank of gumball machines in the mall. She insisted on a pink gumball, and was ready to fight if she didn't get one. She of course, had her blue denim purse and her pink Dora sunglasses, because that's what you need at the mall. Anyway, she said she had a "penny" to get some gum with in the bottom of her purse. When I went to help her open it, to my utter dismay, she had a full on, non-cut-up "g" top in her purse, along with a Disney Princess cell phone (complete with cover), chap-stick, nail polish, assorted small action figures, a naked Bratz doll and some marshmallows. Needless to say, she was caught red-handed with the goods. What do you do in this situation? I had to laugh. She looked up at me through those rose-colored Dora the Explorer sunglasses with a pleading look in her eyes, and I just couldn't be mad. Perhaps I should move my collection of the aforementioned articles of clothing to a location out of her reach! Hmmmm....that would require me to have a project. I'll think about it.

Have you ever noticed that I don't say too much about Erin and Elizabeth? I really don't mention them very much. Probably because, as of right now, they are behaving really well. Of course, there are the occasional outbursts and fights, but they really don't bug me or frustrate me or cause me any kind of grief. At least not out-of-the-ordinary kind of grief. I am sure that I can find something to complain about in the future. Well, have a great week! I hope your New Year is going well! See ya...

P.S. I really do love all of my kids dearly.
P.P.S I really do think I could love Brad Pitt!

New Years Resolutions...Ugh

2008-12-31T19:54:00.000-08:00

I usually don't do the whole New Year's resolution thing, for obvious reasons. If I had goals, I would have to feel guilty when I didn't reach them. Who needs the guilt? No thank you. Anyway, for 2009, I thought I would venture into the realm of the goal-oriented. I have thought long and hard about these resolutions, so do not laugh.
1. I resolve to refrain from laughing at people who use the following words: irregardless, grammerical and pacific (instead of specific).
2. I resolve to watch each and every episode of American Idol. No skipping.
3. I resolve to never listen to country music or NPR. Disclaimer: I have nothing against country music lovers. It's kind of sweet. I just can't listen to it myself because of the cheese factor.
4. I resolve to perfect my southern accent.
5. I resolve to refrain from watching Camp Rock and High School Musical on a daily basis.
6. I resolve to cut down on the use of the work "freakin" in my daily conversations.
7. I resolve to quit pulling stray hairs from Mike's ears during Sacrament meeting.
8. I resolve to sleep in my own bed at least twice a week - I might be sleeping with several of my children, but at least I'll be in the vicinity of my husband.
9. I resolve to blog more, find more to smile about, take more pictures (with my new rad camera) and keep better track of my kid's lives.
10. Finally, I resolve to actually use the green and orange Harmon's bags when I go to the grocery store, instead of leaving them in my pantry, where they aren't really doing much to save the environment.

See how easy that was? These seem like attainable goals. Hey-hope you have a great New Year. Don't stress yourself out too much. Love to all!

Christmas is over, thank goodness...

2008-12-28T17:44:00.000-08:00

Mike and Lizzy walking up the sledding hill by the cabin.

Josh and cousin Carson flying down the sledding hill.

Carley,Erin and Carson trying to get unstuck!

Cutie Autumn at the Cabin.

Mike attempting to play Guitar Hero!

Have you ever seen such a mess?

Finally!!! Christmas is over. Sorry to sound like a spoiled sport, but, sometimes I just can't take it. I love the spiritual, reflection, coming to Christ part, but I have a hard time with the pagan, Santa, wordly part. I love to spend time with the family, but I can only take so much celebrating. By the time New Years rolls around, all I want to do is go to bed. Who cares if it is the dawning of new year and possibly a new beginning? I need my sleep. Anyway, nothing particularly special happened in the Wood family this year...so I will ask the inevitable question and also answer the question you might ask... "What did you get for Christmas?" Well, I finally got my wish. My hubbie and in-laws finally decided to trust me with a nice camera. I am so excited. I can now publish photos of the kids and craziness. Yeah!! Sorry to all that do not want that peek into the life of the Woods. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and wish for you to have a Happy New Year.

Double Crazy Cow

2008-12-15T22:30:00.001-08:00

Today has been a double crazy cow day. Let's just start off by saying that Melissa needs to be medicated. Seriously. Sometimes, I wish I could slip into the local pub and slosh down a few. Ever felt that way? In the words of my very practical sis-in-law "oh, what's the matter?" I tell you what the matter is. My kids don't need sleep to function. I need sleep to function. This is a problem. How can a child of 4 wake up at the butt-crack of dawn, run all day, drive everyone in her family bonkers ALL DAY, not have a nap EVER, and still be alive and well at 11:00 PM? How is this possible? How can an eight year old child with health problems, late nights, middle of the night itching fits and school,dance,violin,homework,Christmas shopping,playing-with-friend-filled days, still insist that she "can't possibly sleep" at 11:15 PM? I had a decent-night-sleep, didn't-do-much, ate-chocolate-all-day kind of day and I am exhausted. Why? Is this what they mean about God having a sense of humor? I think so my friends. By 11 o'clock tonight, I literally thought about doling out several tablespoons of Benadryl to the offending parties, tying each one to their respective beds and then beating them about the head area to induce slumber!!! OK, I'm not that violent, but the Benadryl thing did cross my mind. Happily, they are now tucked safely in their beds, were they are protected from double Crazy Cow. Anyhoo -
I thought of a funny incident today while I was once again Christmas shopping (will it ever end?) Last Saturday, Mike and I decided to Christmas shop for the kids "big" present(s). Of course we ended up at Toys-R-Us (practically the last place you want to be on Dec 13). Mike dropped me off and went to park to the car. First of all, there were oodles and I mean oodles of frantic parents and grandparents in line to purchase their crap. It was somewhat disconcerting. I thought, "Why the hel...I mean heck are we doing this?" So, I set my course for the back of the store,where the "big" presents are. This is were I told Mike to meet me. I was quite determined to get this whole thing over with, so I didn't pay much attention to my surroundings. However, one item caught my eye. This item could be the answer to a lot of troubling things about my life. This item could quite possible be the answer to a prayer. This item was so stupendous that I think I actually stopped breathing for a moment (or that could have been due to the general farty smell of that particular area of the store). This item was none other than a life size, talking (in two languages), non-fart smelling DORA DOLL. Yes folks, you read correctly. This doll was 1) about two inches taller and 20 pounds heavier than Autumn, 2)was modestly dressed with beautiful flowing hair 3) was bi-lingual, 4) spoke only when you squeezed her hand and 5) had poseable limbs. WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR IN A TOY?? Nothing, nothing and nothing. This doll would have solved the following issues in my life...1) Insta-friend for Autumn. No more endless rounds of Barbie play-acting for me. 2) She would teach my child in two languages, thus , quite possibly hurtling her toward 1st grade way before her time, thus, once again saving me from Barbie/Bratz land. 3) she would be a great example to Autumn, ie: always dress modestly (no waltzing around in the undies), keep your hair tidy and groomed (not in a three day old pony/horse/pig tail), speak only when someone squeezes your hand, and lastly, stand perfectly still with arms at your sides at all time. HURRAH! Long story short, I did not immediately purchase this uber-toy. My list of Pros about this purchase was long and satisfying. There was just one con. This doll could be used against me!!! Remind me to tell you some day about the Life Size Black Nutcracker Barbie that Grandma Wood purchased for Lizzy one Christmas. Quick Synopsis: Lizzy did not play with the doll. My little bro Joel, my son and my loving husband did. They loved to place this doll anywhere and everywhere in different poses, so as to scare me and make me pee my pants. The most memorable of which was when I came upon it standing at the top the stairs in the middle of the night with arms outstretched like some sort of other-wordly creature. I did have to change my shorts after that one. Anyway, this scenario played out in my mind in less than three seconds. I somewhat woefully passed the doll up, hoping that Mike would not discover it. As fate would have it, when he finally did find me amongst the throngs in the motorized vehicle section of the store, he triumphantly lifted the DORA DOLL over his head and proclaimed, "I HAVE FOUND THE PRESENT!!" Needless to say, I quickly subdued his victorious cry with "Not a snowballs chance in hel...I mean heck." That dang doll would most likely send Melissa into premature Cardiac Arrest. The Holidays would definitely be ruined if that happened, so we bought Autumn a motorized car instead. Hey, it's getting late, need to sleep before crazy crack-smoking children arise!!! Love to all!!

It's been awhile

2008-12-13T19:41:00.000-08:00

Hey friends and fam- sorry it has been so long since I have "blogged". As some of you know, Melissa is not the best at techy stuff, ie: my keyboard was broken and I couldn't make it work, so I finally broke down and bought a new one, which Josh thankfully set up for me. Anyhoo - not much to report. I have been forbodden to speak ill of the teenager types in my family, so I really don't have much to say except that I really hate Christmas shopping. That being said, I really don't have anything to say. Okay - I am never really at a loss, so let me step up on my soap box and talk about something I have really disliked my whole life, but have never really come forward with it: Christmas Letters. I am really sorry, I know I offend, but I just think they are, in the words of my beloved son, "really gay". This hatred started way back in the good old days, when my family (sibs and parents) lived out of state. We would get a lot of Christmas letters from friends and family touting the accolades and accomplishments of their various families and pets. It was irksome, at best. The Bradfords really didn't have much to crow about. Unless you consider the time when my brother Matt and I lit the ditch behind our house on fire, or after the Fourth of July, we searched the gutters and finally found an unlit bottle rocket (major treasure), or we could tell about the time my brother Joel cut off all his hair after just getting it cut in the cutest pageboy. The biggest accomplishment of my youth was knowing all of the words to all of the songs on the Frank Zappa "record" that my oldest brother Mark brought home (which we listened to only when the parents were out.) Maybe we could have included the fact that I looked stunning in my Wonder Woman Swimsuit (complete with gold belt) for three summers running. I don't think we ever threw that one away...I think it just disintegrated one day on my way home from the neighborhood swimming hole. Anyway, having to read about our cousins and friends and all of their wonderful lives somehow really stung. Not that I have any lasting scars or anything...What could be so bad? you say. Okay - you asked for it.
These are real statements from letters from real people sent to me at some point in my life:
1. This year our whole family, including our rare African cold water Gecko, achieved black belts in Tae Kwan Do. This has been such a spiritual and unifying experience for our whole family.
2. Our daughter danced Carla in the Nutcracker with Juliard School of Dance. She would have danced the Sugar Plum Fairy, but she is only six and the tutu was just a bit big.
3. We had our children learn Mandarin Chinese this year so that we could host foreign exchange students from China. It was slightly difficult for our 3 year old daughter, but she somehow managed and makes the cutest little face whenever she tells someone "Ni Hao".
4. We bought the new Cadillac Escalade for $50,000 under sticker price.

Do you see what I mean? There are exceptions though. Not every Christmas letter is horrible. Some are actually very sweet and creative. I love this kind. They make me smile. My sister in law Emily usually does an awesome Christmas letter. Also, my husband's colleague writes an entertaining letter. It is usually about 8 double sided pages long, but still intriguing. My challenge to you is to comment of some of the Christmas Letters you have received that are infuriating and/or endearing. I'm thinking of doing one and I need some ideas.

I hope you are all enjoying the Christmas season. I have sort of been enjoying it. I am sure that it will get better once it's over. Love to all!

Autumn is fabulick

2008-10-29T10:39:00.001-07:00

In honor of Autumns fourth birthday, I thought I would talk about her a little bit. This may or may not be funny, so hang in there. Autumn was born a poor black child on October 26, 2004. We didn't realize that her name would be sooo cheesy(Autumn Wood), but it fit. Maybe we just couldn't think of anything else to name her, so we chose the most obvious. It was fall, the leaves were turning, etc...You do the math. Anyway, her middle name is Cherie. Cherie means "my love" in French. We were in France for a few days when I was pregnant with her, so thus the name Cherie emerged. Oh yea, her aunt Misty's middle is SHAREE, so we did double duty. I think Misty's name was also supposed to be "Cherie" but her mom didn't know how to spell it, therefore, "SHAREE" was incarnated. Autumn is nearly five years younger than her next oldest sibling, Elizabeth, which means that she believes she is an only child and certainly behaves like one. Admittedly, we have all been a little indulgent. She has provided our family endless hours of entertainment, and as pay back, she has turned into a bit of a prima donna. She definitely rules the roost around her. She is top hen. The Pecking Order starts with her. I was telling Mike the other day that basically my day starts and ends with her bossing me around. She usually sets the agenda, and I really have little say in it. It is just easier this way. Okay, I know that I will live to regret this, but, right now it is fine.
Yesterday, I sent my girls (all four of them) to see High School Musical Three or HSM3 as it is commonly known. When I went to pick them up, I of course asked how they all liked the movie. They all loved it and thought that Zac Efron was super hot. (Even I think he is hot which is weird because I am literally old enough to be his mother.) Anyway, I asked Autumn who her favorite character was and she said "It was Kefron" I said, "You mean Zac Efron?" she said, "that's what I said, Kefron" and then rolled her little eyes at me. Then she said, "It was fabulick" which, I am assuming means "Fabulous". Today, she got dressed up and went to dance for a Halloween party. When she was done, she offered up her "nickers". She told me that she didn't like nickers and that she knew I did, so she wanted me to have hers. It took me a minute until I realized the true meaning of this conversation. She doesn't like candy with nuts, so she gave her "Snickers" to me when we got home. This is just how every day is with her. She says the most outrageous and funny things. I believe my other children did to. Sadly, I didn't record any of it. I barely remember any of it either. So, to make up for that, I will blog my four-year-olds little sayings. This is in an attempt to have at least one of my children stand by my side in the nursing home. Anyway, I love this little girl with all my heart and I am so glad that I got her when I did. She brightens up my life and I am so glad she is my daughter. Love you Autumn. I wanted to post some pics of her, but something is not working with this program, so maybe a future post.

ps - Don't tell Lizzy I told you this, but she also said something funny after the movie. I asked her if she thought Zac Efron was hot too, because Erin and Carley where somewhat dazzled by him. She said, "I think he's cute, but he's really sweaty." Bless her heart. I love her logic!!!!!

Love to all!!!!

OKAY, OKAY, settle down...

2008-10-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

You are all freaks. Don't you have anything better to do than read blogs? I am sitting in a pile of trash in my office just so that I can post something. Get a life!!!!! Honestly, I have nothing to say so I shall post Autumn's Birthday Wish List (Autumn is four as of 10/26/2008). Here we go:

Princess Dora and Pegsus horse set (got it)

a pink Jeep to drive (don't got it)

Pet Shop swimming plastic dog (nope, then I would have to give her a bath.)

Polly Pockets (ick, do you know that Polly is now called Decapitated Polly? Her body comes in separate pieces so that you can "mix and match". What is this teaching our little ones?)

Elmo Live (uh-huh, too annoying and how many dang Elmo "somethings" do we need?)

A four wheeler to drive (can you imagine?)

Clippo's (heck no, I strongly object to the jingle, "clippo's, clippo's, clippo's da da da da da da")

Moon sand (yeah right, been there, done that)

Baby Alive potty training doll (okay, this is my favorite. Do they really think I am going to give an inanimate object a bottle just so it can pee and crap in a toilet that I will have to clean up? I have enough crappy toilets, thank you very much. I understand that the poo is fake, but this whole "real" doll thing is getting out of hand. Next thing you know, there will be a doll who vomits and has seizures. I refuse to feed the market on this one.)

Lil' Bratz house and Mini 'Lil Bratz dolls - (okay, broke down even though the 'lil bratz are semi-annoying)

And the list goes on, and on, and on, and on etc.... It's amusing to listen to Autumn and her little bff Ava when they are watching TV. EVERY, and I mean every, toy commercial that comes on, one of them says, "I want that!!!!" or "I want one of those" Sometimes they say it simultaneously. It's almost like a race, who can say it the fastest? Invariably though, whoever says it first says "I will get one and you can get one too, then we will bolf (childese for both) have one and we can shaaaah (childese for share)." I think they would want a box of Tampons if they were pink and sparkly and had just the right jingle, "tampons, tampons, tampons,da da da da da da". Sorry, gross.

Anyway, if you see the little gal, wish her a Happy Birthday! She will love you forever!

Parenting with Love OR Logic.

2008-09-29T16:11:00.000-07:00

Parenting with love OR Logic should be the name of the game. So, which is it? Love or Logic. For example: When your 13 year old comes home, roots through the sacks on the counter, finds a decorative candle wrapped in tissue, opens it, smells it and then decides to light it. Seemingly innocent...except when the candle was intended as a birthday gift for a friend. Love tells me to dismiss it and perhaps buy a new candle for the friend. Maybe I should have left a sign out telling exactly what was in the tissue paper and the intended purpose of the candle. That's where I went wrong. Why should I expect my 13 year old to ask if she could light the candle? That's just silly. Definitely should have put up a sign. Logic tells me to smack her up-side the head and then stomp down to her room, root around in her personl effects, maybe finding an incriminating note from a friend detailing who has a crush on who, then innocently posting it on this very blog. That's logic for you. Tit for Tat. I guess the reason I am a little chapped about this is because I walked (pioneer-style, pushing a stroller with two other children hanging on, because my car battery was dead), in the heat and spent close to the last twenty dollars I had to procure the said candle on the very day of the friend's birthday!! JUST NOW - Josh walked in and said "Uhhhhhhh, like, uuuummmmm, when are WE going to have any money?" Is that a riot? I said "Uhhhhhhhhh, like, uuuummmmmm. what do you need?" He says. "Weeelllll, uuuuhhhhh. I just really NEED that one jacket at ABERCROMBIE!" Love - "Well honey, seeing as how Dad doesn't get paid until Friday, you will have to survive a few more days without it. Then on Friday, right after school, we will drive down to Gateway and grab that jacket for you. Is that going to be OK?" Logic - "Dude, IT'S FREAKING 90 DEGREES OUTSIDE. WHAT THE JUNK DO YOU NEED A NEW JACKET FOR ANYWAY? ANYHOW - GET A JOB AND GO TO YOUR ROOM!!" See how this works? Also, if you know anything about Love and Logic, you know that as your child grows, you are supposed to allow them more freedoms and more opportunities for growth. Right. I have completely screwed this up. My children are doomed. I started out with them making a lot of their own choices and having a lot of freedom. Now, they can't even go to the bathroom without asking permission. I even interrogate them after. Did you pee or poo? What color was it? Did you wipe? Did you wash your hands? I won't get any grosser than that. Needless to say, it seems like I am tightening my control, rather than helping them make more of the their own choices. I am sitting here laughing to myself because if these sentiments where to be read by a select few (Jon and Em or Misty and Lane) I would be much more graphic.
Why can't I be like other bloggers? Posting cute pictures and telling what we did for the Fourth or showing the cute sand castle we made in Florida? I need to change my ways. Sorry guys. It is Mrs. Nice Gal from now on. Love ya!!!!!

I don't really have anything to say.

2008-09-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with a good friend of mine (Linda) at church today. We were talking about what we could put on our blogs. It gets addicting. Believe it or not, I do not always have an amusing anecdote to share with the world. Linda and I decided that maybe we could share something nice and uplifting. I will do so at this time and then maybe something will come to me. MY nice thing is what a wonderful church I belong to. Don't worry anyone (Joelbaby), I am not preaching. I just really think I belong to a wonderful organization. I speak of this because, I recently watched the Relief Society broadcast and had the privilege of hearing from Elder Uchdorf (spelling?). What a fabulous man he is. I was very touched by his words. One thing that he said (I can't remember if he was quoting or what) got to me. He said something to this effect; We can be happy if we have our prayers answered, but we can be happier if we help to answer prayers. I just wanted to cross-stitch that on a pillow right then and there! I know that I always feel happier when I am in the service of my fellow man. How about you? Anyway - here's something kind of fun that I got from my sister-in-law. It's the ABC game.

A - attached or single? - duh, attached
B - best friend - jim from the office (JK - Mikey)
C - cake or pie? - cake of course. Pie isn't as reliable as cake.
D - day of choice - Monday, kids back to school, Mike to work, house to myself.
E - essential item - diet pepsi
F - favorite color - it used to be purple, but i think it's now blue
G - gummy bears or worms? - NEITHER!!!!!
H- hometown - I guess I would say Sandy
I - indulgences - going to bed early, cinnamon toast, Dr. Pepper, cherry cordial candy kisses, reading a non-thinking book.
J - January 0r July? not a big fan of either one, but July is better because of Lake Powell trips.
K - kids? indeed! 5 little woodlets. 4 girls and 1 bubba.
L - life is incomplete without? - my kids, my husband and the gospel.
M - marriage date - July 18, 1991
N - number of siblings - 3 brothers and 1 sister
O - oranges or apples? apples but only Gala or Golden Delicious or Carley says caramel covered.
P - phobias or fears? - flying (especially at night, I always count the seats to my nearest exit, and I pay attention to the instructions), bowling shoes and bats.
Q - quote - "pants always beats no pants" Jerry Seinfeld and "All because two people fell in love." - NOT!!!!
R - ring size - no clue
S - season? fall - love the pumpkins
T - tag: tag three friend ( how the h to you tag someone?)
U - unknown fact - I don't really have any secrets. It's all out there baby.
V - very favorite store - I think we will all agree with this: Target.
W - worst habit - eating a bowl of cereal in the middle of the night.
X - x-ray or ultrasound - I guess ultrasound. Babies are much cuter than broken bones.
Y - your favorite food - homemade mac & cheese and of course, chocolate.
Z - zodiac sign - Aquarius and my Chinese sign is the Dog. BTW - I was once so into the Chinese zodiac that I could tell anyone what animal they were. I forgotten it all now thank goodness.

After I started doing this I started to wonder if the origin of this game was Match.com or something. Kind of suspect I think. Love to all!!

Do you ever stay up nights?...

2008-09-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

Do you ever stay up nights wondering about stuff? Some of you may know that I am a semi-professional insomniac. I usually get about three hours of solid sleep before Autumn yells from her bed "CHOCOLATE MILK!!!!!!" Not, mind you, "Mommy, may I have chocolate milk?" Just "CHOCOLATE MILK!!!!!!!" I usually stumble in and get her an ounce of milk and leave it on her head board. She never actually drinks it, which leads me to believe that perhaps she is having nightmares about some sort of dairy product invasion or cow mud-restling-mania or some such. ANYWAY - at that point in the night, I am up. So inevitably I think about stuff. The other night, for reasons that will remain unsaid, I was dreaming of how to best embarrass and/or humiliate my son. As you have read, he bugs me sometimes. I love him so so so so much, but he still bugs. So I have devised the following. I will release a photo. Of Josh in rollers. With his hair all girly. Granted, I did create this monter, however, it was only released to a selected few. Now all the world, or least 5-10 of my faithful blog readers, will have the evidence of one very silly and boring Friday night at the Wood Household. OK, my pictures aren't the best, but at least there are now pictures!!!!!! Hooray for Crazy Cow!!!!!

Seriously, Josh is my bud and I don't know what I would do without him and all the help he gives me when Mike is gone. He is a good sport and I know that he will just laugh when he hears what I have done!! Love your guts #33!!!!!!

So what other things do I think about when I am up? This is a dangerous question.

Here is a list anyway:

1. stuff to blog about

2. why I am sleeping on the couch and Mike is in a nice comfy bed

3. what to have for breakfast

4. is being "it" good or bad? (this was last night, thanks to an episode of Seinfeld)

5. thrilling thursday (hopefully this will end soooooon)

6. how to bottle pears (thank you so much Marianne)

7. other stuff to blog about

8. what is the minimum amount of housework I can get away with tomorrow and have Mike still think I do something during the day.

9. what is that funny sound? (i have tracked down many a strange sound in the wee hours)

10. should I shower tomorrow or not?

I don't know. Maybe I am just a little off. What do you think?

Love to all!!!!!!!

Just stuff that i have been thinking about...

2008-09-20T20:37:00.001-07:00

First of all, whenever i try to make a new post, I post it right after I write the title. Then I have to go back and edit it. I am soooo dumb. It really is frustrating to be this dim. OK - here's is my list of things I have been thinking about. Let's call this the LOVE/HATE game (I read it in a book) Play along with me at home...

RULES: You either have to LOVE IT or HATE IT. No in between.

Let's start with an easy one:
SQUEEZE CHEESE - Love it, no explanation necessary
THE PHRASE "ALL BECAUSE TWO PEOPLE FELL IN LOVE" - HATE it!! Sorry - too cheesy
VINYL PEOPLE STICKERS ON REAR WINDOWS OF SUV'S CHRONICALLY THE FAMILY TREE INCLUDING THE PETS - DOUBLE HATE IT.
THE PHRASE "IT IS WHAT IT IS" - HATE IT, but have been heard using it.
SISTERS-IN-LAW - Love Them, I've been blessed
TEENAGERS IN "LOVE" - Hate it
THE NEW FALL OUT BOY SONG - Love it!!!!!!
THE TWILIGHT SERIES I FINALLY READ - Loved it, sorry Carrie
SATURDAY FOOTBALL AND SOCCER GAMES - Love it, even when both teams lose!

Enough of that games. It is sometimes fun to play this game with your kids, like, in the car or in the dentist office or sometimes even in church. It it way better than I Spy.

I feel that I need to clarify a previous comment on my "teenagers suck..." post. Underwear is usually only crunchy when a 14 year old boy has been playing football in the same said underwear without in-between-practice washing. These aforementioned underwear will most probably be tossed eventually. I know, yuck.

Here's another one:

DISNEY'S CAMP ROCK - HATE IT!!!!!

Someday soon I will actually learn how to post photos onto this thing.. Wish me luck with this project. I will need lots of Dr. P and lots of Autumn free time!

Love to all!!

Just trying

2008-09-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hi again - I know, a record setting 2 posts in a week. Marvelous. Will wonders never cease? As you can see, I have attempted to snaz up this blog. Just so we are all clear, it took me two days to change my background color. It's not my fav, but will due for now. FYI, the entire time I have been sitting here, Autumn has been pecking me to death and several pesky flies have been niggling me. Just trying to be up with the times and be cute like the rest of you. Have a good weekend!!!!

blue background

2008-09-19T09:19:00.001-07:00

Teenagers and how much they (can) suck!

2008-09-16T11:45:00.000-07:00

OK! I know that the title of this posting sounds mean, but I believe in honesty. Let me illustrate for you what I mean. Yesterday, I was on my feet all day and consequently spent a sleepless night in pain. My shoulder hurt, my back hurt, my hip hurt and my HEAD HURT!! Here's why. Yesterday, I thought "Hmmm...what can I do to today to show my family that I love them?" The answer came to me in the form of freezer jam. My kids (and husband) really like strawberry freezer jam. So, I went to Costco (a sacrifice in and of itself) and bought 2 flats of strawberries. Also, I bought a "cube" of Diet Pepsi and a 40 pound bag of Marie Callendar's corn bread mix, because one can never have enough of these two items. (By the way, taking Autumn and her American girl doll to the store can become extremely tedious, due to the fact that the doll looks an awful lot like a "small person" or in layman's terms, a "dwarf" or a "midget". You can't believe how many people stop and stare! Autumn makes me buckle the doll in to the cart, so, once people realize that it's just a doll, they then think that I am "special" person who has no children of my own, so I carry around a replica of one because they don't immediately see Autumn as she is usually hiding somewhere behind the large sacks of flour or sitting on one of the display bikes. Weird. I can't imagine what people must think when she (Autumn) makes me buckle in her naked,footless,Bratz Kidz doll. HMMMMM.....Must rethink what I allow Autumn to bring to the store with us... ANYWAY!!!
I get home and start making the jam. Now, for anyone who has made freezer jam, you know what a process it is. Yes, it is realtively simple, but time consuming and messy. So, after I make the jam, I thought, "What would go better with homemade freezer jam than homemade rolls and homemade chili? My kids (and Husband) will really know that I love them if I make those." So, needless to say, when the kids got home, all of these delicious (and homemade) items where magically ready for them to consume. Here's where the sucky teenager and (tween) part comes in. Sorry Josh. So Josh comes into the house filled with the wonderful aroma of baking bread and says "Hey, did you buy my Season Pass to Brighton yet?" I say "No dear, but I did make this delicous jam that you love love love!" He says "Well, when are you going to have some money?" I say " Have some homemade chili and hot rolls before you go to football sweetie!" He says "You guys owe me money anyway. You owe me like 85 dollars for mowing the lawn!" I say, "Well, we will gladly pay half of the $279 bud. We said that we would." He says "OK, when are you going to have my twenty dollar allowance then? That, plus the $85 is half." Now I think "What grade are you in? Half of 279 is 140." But I don't say this, I just go about my duties folding his crunchy underwear and stinky socks (which still stink eventhough I have washed them). Josh disappears for minute and then comes back and POURS HIMSELF A HUGE BOWL OF COCOA PUFFS!!!!!! I stay calm and try not to think about the lovely and delicious homemade goodies sitting on the counter. He manages to scarf down three gigantic bowls of Cocoa Puffs which he claims he doesn't like and then goes in search of more food becuase he is extremely hungry and has to eat before football. HMPH!!
Next sucky teenager. Do you all remember Carley? My do-gooding and loving child who, despite a streak of stubborness, was always her mother's champion and right-hand man? Well , her name is now Erin. Carley has morphed into a gum-smacking,i-pod jamming,nail-biting, Twilight reading, TEENAGER!!!!! Sorry Carley! The other day, I decided to perform an experiment. I wanted to see how long it took Carley to speak to me after she walked in the door from school. Also, I wanted to see what she might say once she did finally speak. So, she came in as usual listening to her I-pod, kicked off her flip-flops, threw her book bag on the floor, grabbed her book and flopped onto her usual spot on the couch. By the way, she hides behind the pillows on the couch so that no one will know she is there. I have also found her reading in the nook under the desk in the office. At least she is reading, right? So the experiment went as follows. I did not say anything to her first. It was killing me not to, but the conditions has to remain in control. So, after TWO HOURS she finally said to me, after I answered the phone, "WHO WAS ON THE PHONE?" That was it. No "Howdy, Mom", no "What's up Mom?", no,"Gee, the house looks nice mom" . Just, "WHO WAS ON THE FREAKING PHONE, MOM?".
I have to be nicer now. I love to tell stories about my kids. While there are occasional exaggerations, my accounts are pretty accurate. OK, some embellishment may be present, but what do they say about poetic license? Does that apply to blogging? I want you all to know how much I adore my children. Life would mean absolutely nothing without them and Mike. I have to tell them that I love them too, because they are usually the first one's to read my blog. I love being a full time Mom, even to burgeoning teenagers. They are way more fun than I ever thought they would be. I hope they know that. Anyway, more stories to come later, mostly about Autumn and her speech impediment. Can someone be vocally dyslexic? Here's a teaser...Try to decipher the following Autumnism's. You get a dollar if you get them right!!!!

1. Picky Mancake
2. Bonus Jothers
3. Freckled Spog

Tune in next time for the answers!!! Love you all!!!!

Don't take 6 kids to the Mall-ever

2008-07-08T18:59:00.000-07:00

Well, once again, I was stupid enough to take my five,plus one eight-year old to the Mall. I forgot the stroller, so Autumn was running rampant. I am way to cheap to rent a stroller, so my fault. Just so everyone is clear...It is NOT fun taking a thirteen year old girl to shop for swimsuits. Unless that girl is completely immodest, skanky or has an IQ less than 30. My question for the swimsuit makers of the world - Why do we want our size 7 (girls) on up to be in sexy string bikini's? What is wrong with an old fashioned one piece swimming suit? I had a one-piece Wonder Woman swimsuit that I wore until I was fourteen. I was happy as a clam. Actually, I seem to remember being a little bit embarrassed about wearing it when I was about twelve, but that certainly didn't stop me from schlepping around the pool in it! My point is, you can't even buy a Wonder Woman swimsuit for a fourteen year old! Everything is a string bikini, including the size 7 in the little girls department. No wonder our society is going down hill so fast! No one is modest anymore. At least that's what the retailers of the world want us to believe. OK, step down from soap box.

Anyway, we also went to the mall to but Josh some new shoes. We bought some bright purple Vans for him, but we needed another more practical pair too. What is up with these weird shoes for boys these days? Whatever. I don't care what anyone says about comfort or grip on a deck or anything else. The shoes just suck. Oh, and guess what's back in for girls? Keds! I bought Carley a pair (white of course) for school. I should have kept all of my old shoes.

Am I a moron or what?

2008-07-06T17:58:00.000-07:00

OK, I finally did it and created a blog. It only took me a couple of hours (thus the title). Other moronic attempts: trying to create a profile and submit it to the Alta High School Class of '88 website, trying to network two measly computers, trying to scan something onto my comp., trying to post the aforementioned item onto a website, attempting to make a dinner that would appease my entire family. All attempts made within a 24 hour period. Yay me!! I am awesome. I am so proud of my moronicisity that it I challenge any of you to top my moronicitis stupidentia. Good Luck.

Other stuff: We recently spent the weeked at the cabin. It was super stupendous. We rode the mountain coaster and alpine slide up at Park City. I have to admit here that I rather like the Alpine Slide better. Just knowing that at any moment, your sled can jump the tracks, or someone's shoe/cell phone/wedding ring/spittle can land on you (from the above ski lift) en route makes it one heck of a thrill ride. Also, as my niece pointed out, there are gophers! What better way to spend Independance Day than thudding down the mountain-side on a blue plastic sled while gophers frolic alongside. I dare say there is nothing better. The best part of the day though, was, of course, the procuring of the caramel apple. Forty-five minutes in line for a $6 caramel-white chocolate-cinnamon covered apple was the icing. Jim Gaffigan said it best..."it's what the Founding Fathers would want.

Anyway, hope you all hade a wonderful 4th. Maybe on the 24th we can pay homage to the pioneers by catching some gnarly air behind the wake of a speed boat, then eating some brats and burgers just for good measure. GO PIONEERS!